


DotCupid

by RedRarebit



Category: Silicon Valley (TV)
Genre: I dub this ship, M/M, Multi, OT5, SHIPPING MIDDLE OUT, this one almost destroyed me and i deserve a little holiday after working on it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-02
Updated: 2016-04-07
Packaged: 2018-05-30 18:32:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6435694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedRarebit/pseuds/RedRarebit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>DotCupid was the newest, hottest relationship building app out there. In the two months it had been running, it claimed it had started 8 million relationships around the world.<br/>Erlich thought that was bullshit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"Alright, alright. Is everyone loaded." Erlich stared round at everyone, who had their phones in hand. The computer screens had been abandoned, for once, Erlichs little idea having amused them all enough to draw them over to the comfortable couches by the games. It was a little bit of a squeeze, Richard needing a little bit of space between himself and anyone else, and Jareds knees trying to invade everyone at the same time, but they were used to contorting themselves to make the situation work for all of them. "Okay. Once you press the button, hand the phone to the person on your left. That person, starting from Jared, will read out your top, 5 matches."

There was an impressive silence. DotCupid had been hailed as the most correct, accurate, and terrifyingly thorough matchmaking service. Taking information from your existing online profiles - with your permission, it claimed - it made the most coherent picture possible and found your soulmate. Along with the 4 next-best matches, arranged in match-percentage order. It claimed that, in the two months it had been running, it had been responsible for over eight million new relationships. 

It was, Erlich claimed, total bullshit. And this was the test.

"Has everyone linked all their online profiles." There was nodding. "All of them. I mean it. Even your embarrassing shit. I think it compares your PornHub tastes as well. Get em all in there, you gotta know if you both like German rim-job goat porn. No offence, Gilfoyle."

"... What?"

"Because you're, y'know..." Erlich gestured vaguely at Gilfoyle while the circle pondered this a moment. "Don't be an asshole, I'm trying to be sensitive to, y'know, cultural differences and all that."

"I'm Canadian? You're German. Of German descent." Gilfoyle amended, because if Erlich was trying to go on a sensitivity stint, he didn't need to fuck up and pull that down on him.

"No." Erlich seemed torn between concern and growing embarrassment. "You know. A Satanist."

"He means you might fuck goats." Dinesh said, not looking up from his phone as he tapped a few more buttons. "Which isn't a nice thing to call Tara at all." 

"Look look," Richard cut in, before anyone could get their nose broken or eyes impressively blacked. "Can we just get this over with, please?" He wasn't looking forward to the app glitching out on his phone when it couldn't find anyone in the world for him to be attached to. Or for Dinesh to look over his list with pity, and make up some names just to cover for him - which he would, hopefully. Maybe. 

"I'm rather interested to see the results, actually." Jared piped in, smiling as he held out his phone to Gilfoyle with a sort of patience that he had limitless reserves of. "Imagine how romantic it would be to discover your high-school sweetheart had been your soulmate all along. You could send them a message, just like that, feel young again and so sure that they really were the one this time-"

"Question," Gilfoyle took Jareds phone as he handed his own to Erlich. "Does the term 'soulmate' apply if you sold your own."

"Oh, I'm sure you could use your own term for it-"

"I'm gonna use mate." 

"Try not to drool at all the supermodels my phones gonna light up with, Richard." Erlich handed his own over, Richard sharing a brief but weary look with Dinesh. "I know they're gonna be so hot you bust right there in your shorts, but don't get any on the screen, alright? Okay. Everyone ready?"

"I really hope we're not going to braid each other hair and make s'mores after we reveal our secret soulmates." Dinesh said, pressing the button once everyone nodded, watching the little icon of the world gently spinning, emitting pink and red hearts amidst a background of clouds. That was a little bit demeaning, and anyway, he amended in his head. Gilfoyle was the only one in the room (barring Erlich whos hair he wouldn't touch if you paid him) that had hair long enough to braid. And you'd lose a finger trying it, too.

The five identical little chimes sounded, and all eyes were on the screens. 

For a moment - silence.

"You motherfuckers are the most boring, dreadful, terrible people I have ever had the misfortune of being around." Erlich held Gilfoyles phone back out to him with that snarled declaration. "How am I not surprised that your online friends list is so small that the only results - For fucks sake, Gilfoyle, your top result is Tara. Then Jared, Dinesh, Me and Richard, all tying with 80 percent."

"Wait, what?" Jared looked from the phone Erlich was still holding out, to the screen in his hand. "Perhaps there's been an error? Dinesh, you match with - Gilfoyle, then Tara, Erlich, Richard and myself. All at an equal 90 percent." 

"What the fuuck-"

"And you," Gilfoyle wasn't looking at the phone Erlich was practically trying to thrust in his ear, slowly scrolling through Jareds results. "Match with Richard, at 95 percent. Then Me, Dinesh, Tara and Erlich. All at 90 percent." 

"I really think this program fucked up." Richard added, hastily glancing down Erlichs list. "I uh - I really, really think it fucked up-"

"No, no," Dinesh shook his head a little, looking at Richards results. "You have all of us, and Tara, at about 70 percent. What," He affected an offened tone, giving Richard as flat a look as he could muster. "You don't love me the extra 20 percent I love you? Wow, Richard."

"Its just numbers," Richard made a hasty grab for his phone, Dinesh holding it up and away over Jareds shoulders. "Just, broken numbers and shitty programming. Its probably just based on the volume of past online interactions, and we're always all sending files to each other for work, so it just picked up on that and didn't understand because its just a dumb, stupid-"

"Who did Erlich get?" Jared asked, reaching up easily and catching Richards phone, holding it out to him. Erlich grinned a little, leaning over from his armchair to try and see. 

"Uh, us." Richard shoved his phone back into his pocket, waving Erlichs phone as dismissively as he could. "All of us, at uh, 100 percent." He yelped a little as Erlich gave a growl and snatched it out of his hand, studying the list. "Thats what I mean! Its broken!"

"This is bullshit!" Erlich yelled, standing up so abruptly that Richard almost vaulted over Dinesh to escape what might have been coming his way. "This app is the biggest, steamiest-"

"Please don't say the word 'steamiest' when I've just found out you 100 percent want to fuck me," Dinesh cut in, grinning into the face of wildly bearded outrage that was pointed his way. 

"And its nothing to do with fucking." Jared added, sounding a bit muted - since he was talking into his phone, the screen held so he could see it properly. "It's a relationship app. If it was purely a hookup app, we could have competed to see who got the most right-swipes on Grindr." 

"Why not Tindr?" Gilfoyle asked, looking up from his phone - it had just clicked, and he sent the screenshot on to Tara with a slightly satisfied smile. He added a vaguely ominous 'this means you're mine forever' just for the hell of it. "You jumped right to Grindr there, Jared."

"Well, I thought for humorous effect - not that there's anything funny about being a homosexual. Its rather tragic, really - the treatment of them, not, being a homosexual, of course-"

"You know, I'm really glad that the depth of the hole your mouth digs is in proportion to the rest of you." Gilfoyle stood with a stretch. "It'd be awkward to have the top of your head poking out. So - now that this little fuck-experiment is done, I gotta go talk to Tara." 

"Can all of us just agree not to talk about this?" Richard asked, Dinesh putting his hand up as well.

"I'm voting for that." 

"No," Jared sounded crestfallen. "Gents, this is a good thing. Look at it this way - once you take romance out of the relationship idea, what does this result mean? It means that the five of us have such a close-knit bond, like brothers. Robin Hood and his Merry Men would have scored similar results, I'm sure of it." 

"Yeah, I agree." Erlich raised his hand, giving Jared a blisteringly stern look - Richard felt himself trying to lean away from it, in case Erlichs ire was contagious. "We never talk about this, or call ourselves Merry Men, ever again." 

"We're outvoted," Gilfoyle observed sourly, Jared nodding a little bit. Then he paused and looked up at Gilfoyle as he folded his arms.

"We?"

"I gotta talk to Tara before I can commit to a 'we' properly, but," Gilfoyle shrugged a little bit. "We'll see. I've always wanted a harem. Later." He headed out, leaving a stunned-silent circle in his wake. 

"I am not joining whatever fucked up thing he means by a harem." Dinesh pointed out after a few moments of looking between themselves, trying to figure out what the hell had just happened, or why Jared was looking so pleased with himself. It didn't bear thinking about.

~*~*~

For four days, and four nights, Richard noticed that well - nobody really spoke to anyone. There were clipped requests to move cups, or pass the salt, or where someone else was. People tended to stick one to a room - more then two and there was an air of prickliness in the air that made his skin crawl and his stomach twitch.

Curse DotCupid. Curse it and the woe it brought to their house.

~*~*~

"Alright." How Gilfoyle had managed to herd and corner them all in the kitchen probably had something to do with the pile of Starbucks he'd put in the middle of the table. And moving himself from room to room in a careful pattern to spook his housemates and push them all in there at the same time. He put his hands on the kitchen table and leaned down a bit, as if studying them. "Tara has said, that if it is understood that she remains my primary partner, and everyone 'plays safe' then she is fine with this."

There was a moment of silence.

"This," Gilfoyle motioned around the table. "In whatever mantrain or circlejerk arrangement we get on with."

Noise instantly broke out at once.

"Holy Shit, Gilfoyle."

"That is fucking disgusting what is wrong with you people."

"How interesting!"

"Alright," Erlichs voice rose above the rest - he finished his coffee with a final, impressive swig and put his cup down, meeting Gilfoyles eyes levelly. "I'm in. If these ladies are too scared to do it, then I've gotta do it. Do you put out on a first date or not?"

"Depends on how good the date is." Gilfoyle didn't even blink, but he did jerk a thumb at Jared. "I'm putting my chip down on taking him out first, though."

"First as in before me, or first as in, his first date."

"His first. Knock for me at six." Gilfoyle leaned back as Jared went a very pleased pink sort of colour, fiddling with his cup. "Jared, I'll text you."

"Oh! Oh, yes. Yes, of course." 

"What the fuck is going on man." Dinesh leaned over to Richard, his voice pitched low with panic and urgency. "What the fuck is going on. Are we drugged? Am I on drugs right now?"

"They might be." Absurd as it was to think of Jared on drugs, Richard didn't want to dismiss anything that might explain what the fuck just happened there. "I don't - I don't know what just happened."

He had to admit thought - the air felt lighter then it had for the past for days. Like a storm had broken.

~*~*~

"And thats why," Erlich passed the joint back to Gilfoyle, one hand raising to impressively span the heavens between his fingers, gesturing. "Pacific Rim is set in the far, far millennial past, and not the future." The other hand was on Gilfoyles far shoulder, arm comfortably around him.

The back seat of Gilfoyles car was a tight fit for someone of his stature, but they made it work; Gilfoyles feet were out of the window, toes curling and uncurling slowly in the pleasant breeze, his head against Erlichs shoulder as he rested back against him. They'd pulled over once Erlich had pulled out his 'piece de resistance', somewhere open and yet secluded all at once, with a view of the stars.

It was, Gilfoyle could grudgingly admit, a nice ending to the evening. It seemed their mutual love of sushi and 90s anime really could tide them through two hours of exclusive company. It had helped that, beyond a few polite and carefully telegraphed touches, Erlich had kept his hands entirely to himself.

"Like Star Wars." He added, Erlich nodding furiously for a second before he realized how badly it jostled Gilfoyle. "Long time ago, galaxy far, far away-"

"Which means it was even longer ago then we realize, due to how light works-"

"Shit." Gilfoyle wrinkled his nose a little. "That means we're the future. Thats depressing. Watch it," He warned, Erlichs arm slipping down to rest comfortably about his waist, a hand on his stomach. 

" _I_ don't put out on a first date, Gilfoyle." Erlich smirked a bit, giving him the smallest squeeze. Affectionate, even. "Your virtue is intact. I'm just getting comfortable."

~*~*~

"They should be back any minute now." Dinesh hovered by the window, peering out through the blinds to try and spot Gilfoyles car on the street. "I mean, they should be. I don't know what kind of slut Gilfoyle is otherwise, staying out past ten on a first date."

"Is that the slut cut off time?" Richard asked, eyes not leaving the screen as he worked. "Can we stop talking about this? Its weird enough that Erlich just took Gilfoyle out on a date without having to think about it and talk about it and picture it-"

"Who's picturing it? I'm not picturing it." Dinesh fell quiet for a moment, then twitched the blinds again. "I wonder if Gilfoyle was joking about putting out on the first date."

"Cmon man, seriously."

"We can't not talk about it!" 

"We can!" Richard was horrified to find his voice shrilling at the end of that, and he cleared his throat to try and work it back down again. "We can, not talk about it! And we're not going to! Even if, if if, it wasn't the weirdest, most horrific thing to have happened this week, its still, their privacy, and their decision, and we're not going to talk about it."

"I agree with Richard," Jared had come through from the kitchen at the sound of yelling, and was watching the two curiously. "Erlich and Gilfoyle deserve their privacy unless they choose to tell us about their date. They shouldn't be pressured into it, and we should respect them as friends by not talking about them behind their backs." 

"Thank you, Jared." Richard gestured at him grandly for a second, then turned in his chair to face the taller man. "Wait, aren't you in on all this too?" 

"What happened to privacy?" Dinesh turned from the window and joined Richard in staring at Jared. Jared just smiled and shrugged his shoulders a little, both hands around his mug of cocoa. Richard noticed his fingers fidgeting on the handle, the slight pinkness to the top of his ears.

 _He's really happy about this._ He realized with a painful jolt, and instantly felt ten times shittier for having brought the attention onto him. Richard grimaced a little and ducked his head down, pulling his shoulders up to try and hide from the cringing feeling he could feel in his spine. It didn't help that Jared seemed totally unaware of any spite that might have been behind the intention, and just beamed away, thrilled.

"Gilfoyle and I have already arranged the particulars of our date." Jared replied flippantly, seemingly intent on ignoring the spluttering sound that forced out of Richards chest. "Without going into detail, it sounds utterly charming. I'm very much looking forward to it." 

"Charming?" Dinesh sounded more then a little bit disbelieving, and he turned to the window when he heard a car go past. "I don't think Gilfoyle can be charming."

"I'll have to respectfully disagree." Jared took a sip of his drink, fished out a marshmallow with the tip of his little finger and nipped it off carefully. "Gilfoyle has one long-term relationship with a marvelous woman, and is beginning to see two other people. It could be argued that, simply by number of current successes, he's the most charming person in the house. Oh, no offence intended, I mean-"

"They're back," Dinesh hissed, getting down while trying to press himself closer to the window. Richard heard the hum and crunch of the car, then silence when the engine stopped. Car door, two sets of footsteps, the clunk of feet on the paved area by the door. 

Then silence. 

"What are they doing?" Dinesh whispered, craning to see without just leaning out the window. "Where did they go?"

~*~*~

"We should stay here a minute or two." Gilfoyle snagged Erlichs sleeve, gave a little tug to get him to slow down and put the keys away for a second, lowering his voice. "Rile them up."

"Genius." Erlich grinned a little and tucked in against the door, falling quiet. "So - this is just - I mean, are you fucking with us, or?"

"I mean, give me time, maybe I'll fuck all of you."

"No, I mean." Erlich grumbled when he saw the smirk on Gilfoyles face. "You know what I fucking mean."

"I'm not fucking with you." He agreed, hands shoved into his pockets and staring out past their porch. Around them, the dim glow of houses and streetlights outshone the stars, and Gilfoyle missed them for a moment. 

Or he missed the privacy of his car, the warm smell of smoke and Erlichs preferred brand of detergent, the shock-heat of his hand through his shirt against his stomach. He hadn't asked him to move it.

"I had fun tonight."

"Well, you got taken out by the best." Erlich puffed up a little, pleased. "Thats the kind of experience you get with me, everyone knows its a 5-star ride. What," Erlich cut himself off, looking down at Gilfoyles hand, which had held onto the front of his T-shirt. 

Gilfoyle stared back at him, inscrutable.

"No?" He asked, watching Erlich closely. He didn't have to move when the other man understood what was going on and moved instead, two scant steps to crowd Gilfoyle carefully against the door frame and kiss him.

~*~*~

"What are they doing, fucking against the door?" Dinesh whispered, trying to peer through the peep hole. He could see them, or Erlichs shoulder at any rate. He couldn't see Gilfoyle at all and that panicked him a moment. Erlich wouldn't have killed him in some sudden surge of gay panic, would he? "I'm opening it."

"Don't open it," Jared caught his arms, struggling a little to hold onto it. "Leave them alone."

"I'm opening it, giraffe man." Dinesh ducked, darted forward and wrenched the door open. 

_They didn't even have the dignity to look ashamed of it, Dinesh realized much, much later, when he was lying in bed, warmth against one side of his body, the soft sound of breathing that wasn't his own seemingly too loud in his ears._

Both of Erlichs hands were pushed up, buried in Gilfoyles hair and cradling his head, tilting it up to kiss him. His thumbs were holding the other mans glasses out of the way, a trick he must have learned somewhere - online, maybe? Kissing other people with glasses? Gilfoyles hands had been on Erlichs shirt, and for a sickening moment, Dinesh had been worried that Gilfoyle was trying to push Erlich _away_ , that this had been an entirely unwelcome advance--

Then he saw how Gilfoyles grip tightened in the fabric, kept Erlich from stepping back even as he turned his head to aim a furious glare his way. Erlich seemed - curiously, just as angry, straightening himself up to match the heat of Gilfoyles stare with an icy one of his own, and Dinesh felt himself wilt a little under their combined force.

"I-"

"I'm sorry," Jared wrung his hands from behind Dinesh, looking apologetic down to his bones. "I tried to stop him, Richard and I, we were both saying you two needed some, privacy."

"Its fine." The last thing they needed was Jared going into a guilt spiral, and Gilfoyle sighed as he patted Erlichs chest once, to get him to relax and step back. "We were just coming in anyway."

"We were?" 

"Yeah. I've gotta get some shit done. You," Gilfoyle pointed at Dinesh. "Are coming with me. My room. Now."

"What," Erlich complained, Gilfoyle grabbing Dineshs arm and starting to pull him along. "I take you out and he's the one who fucks you?"

"I'm not going to fuck him." Gilfoyle and Dinesh said at the same time. Dinesh shut his mouth with a click.

"But I am gonna talk to him." Gilfoyle nodded to the others and left, a protesting Dinesh in tow. The sound of the door shutting behind them prompted Erich to close the front one, and look round at the other two grandly.

"Did you have a good night, Erlich?" Jared asked after a few moments, offering him what he hoped was a peacemaking smile. Erlich seemed to consider this for a few long moments, then nodded.

"Yeah, actually. Richard - you free on friday?" 

"Uh," Richard didn't move, freezing up as his hands tightened on the front of his laptop.

"Wanna catch a movie?"

Oh God.

"Like. A." Richard squeaked a little bit when he caught Erlich nodding out of the corner of his eye. "No! No, no, not free on Friday. Busy, for the uh, foreseeable future. Possibly unto death."

"Right."

~*~*~

"So what you're telling me is, we've been dating for the past two years."

"In essence, yes."

"Right." Dinesh curled and uncurled his fists helplessly, fighting the urge to get up and pace. He felt Gilfoyle shift next to him on the bed, panicked until he realised he was just taking out his phone, then felt an irrational wave of anger. "Are you checking your texts? Right now?"

"I'm apologising to Erlich for cutting and running out of our date because you had a fit of jealousy."

"Thats not what this is!"

"Really." 

"Really!"

"How often did you think about him kissing me tonight?" Gilfoyle asked, steamrolling over Dineshs outraged little sputter. "Did you think about him holding my hand? Did you think about him putting his arm around me, pulling my chair out for me? How about my car? You think I put out on a first date, you kept picturing it, right? Kept wondering how far he'd be allowed to go, right? How far he'd be allowed to go before you got a chance to."

Deafening silence followed. Gilfoyle watched Dinesh visibly struggle with himself.

"He didn't fuck me." Gilfoyle added patiently. "Do I look like I've been recently ass-reamed."

"Good." There was more vehemence in that then he'd expected there to be, Dinesh looking surprised at himself. 

For a moment, neither moved. Then Gilfoyle shrugged a little bit and put his phone back into his jeans, standing up.

"For the record," He said over his shoulder as he moved to his desk, looking for something. "That was your chance to do something about it."

Dineshs throat felt very dry for a moment, and he swallowed a few times before he stood up. His hands were still worrying about themselves, even as he came over to the desk. He was setting up his laptop, Dinesh realised in a vague sort of way, more aware of how Gilfoyle turned at his approach and leaned back against the desk, hands firmly on the edge. He was watching him, Dinesh could feel his eyes raking over him, though Gilfoyle was naturally so wary that he didn't know if he needed to be offended or not.

He didn't know why it felt normal to lean in and kiss him. 

Or why Gilfoyle didn't shove him away, or why the little noise the other man made against his lips made him take another step into him, crowding him against the desk. Dinesh fumbled with his hands a little, having to move them to get closer, and he startled when one of Gilfoyles lifted to cup his cheek gently, tilting his head. He settled for putting his own hands on the desk as well, fingers bumping Gilfoyles before they held onto his wrist. He could taste the sake and the weed and the copious amount of pickled ginger he _always_ ate with sushi when Gilfoyles lips parted against his own. 

_Gross_ , Dinesh thought, pressing in closer to kiss him harder. 

The bubbling sound of Gilfoyles laptop ringing made him break away, breathing hard. He glanced down, saw Taras icon ringing and pressed accept right away, Dinesh too surprised or stunned or recovering to move in time. 

"Hey guys!" Tara enthused, perking up on her screen. "Oh, busy?"

"I'm just going to bed. I'll tell you about it tomorrow," Gilfoyle replied, paused at her expression and let his hand drop to Dineshs shoulder, thumb stroking briefly. "To sleep."

"Sleep?" Tara asked, and Dinesh silently echoed the question.

"Sleep." Gilfoyle confirmed, to them both. When she hung up with a laugh, Dinesh stepped back, clearing his throat.

"I should-" 

"You're staying." 

Which was as simple as that, really. It was easy to fall into step, Dinesh realized, sharing the bathroom mirror and bickering about the correct amount of toothpaste to use, complaining about Gilfoyles inability to shave when he kissed him goodnight, tucking his body in close. 

It was like coming home after a long vacation, to the normal routine.

~*~*~

Richard felt like he was living in the Twilight Zone. No one was saying anything about the fact that Gilfoyle and Dinesh felt comfortable enough to kiss at the breakfast table when one had to leave suddenly. Or the way Erlich would brazenly lift Gilfoyle onto the counter to trap him with a laugh against the other mans scowl.

The breaking point was when Jared meekly asked him to help him pick a jacket for his and Gifoyles date.

"Does he like, have a magic dick or something?" Richard asked in the safety of the little box room Erlich had been able to give him. Jared flushed a little, concentrating on what he was getting out of his closet.

"I don't think any of us know the state of Gilfoyles dick." Well, he knew for certain none of them had slept with Gilfoyle, but there was something to be said for keeping a little bit of mystery about the whole thing. "He just seems to be the one taking charge and organizing things. No one else was stepping up to it. Besides," Jared kept his back turned, ears burning. "Erlich and I have been -- stepping out. As well. So we're not all just, seeing Gilfoyle."

Richard stared at his back.

"He really has an uncanny ability to pick movies." Jared continued, trying to fill the silence. "And his methods for packing candies in those little, cups? Ingenious."

"You've been on a date with Erlich?"

"Three, actually."

"Why?" Richard seemed totally aghast, and Jared turned, his coat in his arms as he looked at him. For a moment, Richard thought Jared looked worried. Then he realized, with a wave of anger, that it was _pity_. 

"Because I have nothing to lose by trying." Jared said gently, though it felt like a question to Richard. "And because I enjoy his company. I'm sorry, Richard," Jared said suddenly, moving to his door and opening it. "This is making you very uncomfortable. I'm very sorry." 

He was being shown out, Richard realized. He drifted to the door, then turned, shoving his hands in his pockets and shaking his head.

"No, I - I was an asshole there Jared. I'm really sorry." He said, watching the way Jareds shoulders dropped a little. "If, you guys are happy then I shouldn't be shitting all over your parade, you know? -- You are happy, right?" He prompted after a moments silence.

"I am." Jared nodded a little, holding onto the top of his door with an arm curled around the back, smiling a little as he leaned there. "I know its unusual, Richard. I'm not pretending its not an odd situation. But for as long as its working, I'm certainly not going to complain about it. The house has been more peaceful, hasn't it?"

It had. Richard had to give him that. He nodded a little, and gave Jared a tense little smile that relaxed a little when he realized Jared wasn't lying. The last thing he wanted, he realized, was Jared being taken advantage by these guys. He didn't deserve that.

"Well, I mean. Have a good time today then, yeah? Oh, and." Richard pointed behind Jared, to the rich navy peacoat hanging on his closet door. "You should um, go with that one. It'll look great. On you, I mean."

"Thank you, Richard."

~*~*~

Jared was trying not to hold himself so tight, but there was such a bubble of happiness in his chest he was sure he was going to burst from it. It was so rare he got to be the one with his head on someone elses shoulder, but Gilfoyle had casually sat down on the cafes couch first, slung his arm over the back for Jared to settle himself down into the crook of his body. He had to slouch, leaning back into him with his legs running alongside the couch but it worked and was comfortable and oh, the treat it afforded him.

There was an extra-frothy cappuccino held on his knee, both of his hands wrapped around it to keep his fingers toasty; Gilfoyle was so impossibly warm against his back, probably something to do with the shirt he had on; it was raining outside, a rare little blitz, seeming to mute the rest of the world. Gilfoyles too-strong espresso carried on his breath in a way that Jared adored instantly, and the way the other man trailed his fingers lightly up and down his arm as he spoke with a low and intimate rumble into his ear was thrilling, perfectly private.

"-Dans ces instants de solitude, le bonheur attend, Je pense avec allégresse, Que ces jours s’inscriront dans le temps, Que je connaitrais encore avec toi, la tendresse."

"I didn't know you spoke French." Jared said, a little dreamily as Gilfoyle flicked through the little book on his knee. Gilfoyle chuckled a little bit and gave him a squeeze, enjoying the sigh Jared gave, the way he went a little more boneless against him.

"You never asked. Here,"

Jared kissed him, twisting a little bit to press his lips against him before he could carry on reading, just for a moment. It was gentle, non-insistent and non-invasive, and it was gone almost before Gilfoyle had a chance to respond with more then a smile and lean. 

He had the distinct feeling Jared wasn't used to people wanting to kiss him back. He could fix that.

"Thank you," Jared murmured a couple of hours later, snuggled up close with him in his car as Gilfoyle pressed kiss after gentle kiss along his jaw, his cheeks, over his thankful lips over and over again. "Thank you, Gilfoyle-"

~*~*~

This was insane. He wasn't even sure why he was insulted that Gilfoyle hadn't asked him out on a date, but as irrational as it was, Richard was getting kind of peeved that he hadn't even been asked. It was a lot to expect, he knew that, even if he would just turn the other man down.

Nicely, of course. There was no need to be an asshole about it. But it was starting to grate on him that he hadn't even been considered. Was he really so wildly not Gilfoyles type?

"Hey, um," Richard tried to lean casually against the kitchen counter, winced when it dug into his hip and settled for standing straight, hands shoved deep into his pockets. Gilfoyle gave a small hum around his coffee, watching him. 

It was terrifying.

"I mean I'm not complaining and all that but I was just wondering uh, why, you and I haven't-"

"Because you're not complaining that I haven't." Gilfoyle cut in, lowering his mug from his mouth. "Do you want me to ask you out, Richard?"

"What? No? No. No, I don't know." He shrugged helplessly, not liking the way Gilfoyles posture and tone hadn't changed at all from when he had just been drinking coffee to this. Why wasn't he as stressed about this as he was? No ones poker face was that good.

"Because Erlich mentioned you were busy from now unto death. I'm happy to wait to ask you out in Hell, but.."

"What?" Richard blinked and cast his mind back to what- Oh, right. "Oh, no no - I just, I panicked, because Erlich-"

"Because Erlich asked you on a date. Yeah, I got it." Gilfoyle nodded a little bit. "Well, don't worry. You don't want to be asked, we're not going to ask you."

"We?" Richard felt himself getting tense again, casting a look over his shoulder suspiciously as if everyone was about to descend on him. "What do you mean we?" 

"We." Gilfoyle managed to gesture at the house without moving his hands. "Erlich has like, fifteen movies he wants to watch with you. Jared has some ideas of where he'd like to take you. Dinesh has been scoping out this arcade for a little while, he thinks he knows some games you might like. We don't just go into this blind, asshole." Gilfoyle continued. "And they're all interested too. We're just being respectful."

"Oh." Richard replied lamely. That all sounded - fun. If it hadn't been for the whole, date thing over the top of it. He fiddled with his sleeves.

"Do you want to do a test run?" Gilfoyle asked after a few moments of watching Richard start to fidget himself into a stress attack. "No pressure. I'll take you on what I have in mind. If you like it, go from there. If not, no big deal - just two friends spending a few hours together doing something." 

"And you're not gonna-"

"I'm not gonna take a running leap at you with my cock out." Gilfoyle replied with a snort. "Hard rule. No approaches without prior agreement. You think we're gonna let Erlich roam around with that libido without putting any ground rules in place? Be ready to go out somewhere cold, Thursday. At one."

Richard was left standing in the kitchen, feeling foolish, with a mostly empty pot of coffee. Because of course Gilfoyle would take all the coffee, ask him out on a date and then waltz off without cleaning the machine.

~*~*~

"Ice skating?" Richard squinted up at the sign, his arms folded, hands tucked under the sleeves to keep them warm from the chill in the air. Gilfoyle nodded, holding out a pair skates.

"Trust me." He said, his own already on and Jesus, how sharp were those things? Richard flinched at the sheer idea of them running over his fingers and ugh, no no- "You're gonna love it."

"I can't skate." 

"I figured. Here," He walked, a little ungracefully, to the bench and motioned Richard to sit. Then he put the rental blades in his lap. "Put them on. Just, trust me. You said you'd give this a fair shot."

He did, Richard remembered, as he started to strap them on. He wasn't unfamiliar with ice skates - there had been a few failed attempts in his youth, and he wasn't sure of his chances now. Not compared to Gilfoyle, who seemed to be supernaturally still as he balanced on his blades, watching him carefully. He let Gilfoyle guide him up to his feet and onto the ice.

At once, his arms shot out and he wobbled, hands gripping the edge. Gilfoyle laughed a little and Richard whined, even though there hadn't been a malicious edge to the noise at all. 

"Cmere." Gilfoyle offered his hands again and he took them, let himself get pulled along a little bit. "Watch my feet, yeah? Its a lot easier then it looks, so if you can follow the angles-"

As soon as Gilfoyle said angles, Richard felt focused. If it was just maths, his brain said, then he had this. He _had_ this. Gilfoyle smirked when Richard looked up at him with a bright light of recognition in his eyes. 

"Exactly." He agreed with whatever Richard had said silently. "Cmon. We'll keep it simple for now." 

"How do you know how to skate?" Richard asked once they'd done a few circuits of the rink, Richard slowly starting to get the idea of what he had to do. The pressure and speed involved were still eluding him, but Gilfoyle didn't seem to mind having to slow down or speed up abruptly, so he had time to fix it. Gilfoyle shrugged.

"I'm Canadian. Winters kind of make you have to learn." He explained, and Richard felt stupid for having had to ask. Gilfoyle must have noticed because he grinned a bit. It was a warm expression, Richard noticed absently. It wasn't one that was looking to hurt. "I know. I swear you guys forget all the time."

"You don't have much of an accent is why." Richard pointed out. He didn't add that most Canadians, stereotypically anyway, couldn't achieve the same level of cruelty that Gilfoyle did on a daily basis. Maybe he was making up for all of them.

"I guess not, eh?" Gilfoyle laughed when Richard gave a surprised bark of laughter, moving a little closer to his side. It saved room, meant he could help him around the corners a little bit more. Richard felt a small touch on his wrist, questioning, and let Gilfoyle take his hand.

~*~*~

He had to hand it to him, Richard thought as he took a break on the other side of the barrier, watching Gilfoyle lazily loop and sweep his way across the ice with a level of grace he could never hope to reach. Jared had been right - Gilfoyle was charming. And he did have a good idea of how to be romantic, too.

There had to be a reason Tara dated him. That should have been the first sign.

If he had just said the words 'ice skating' Richard would have talked himself out of it, quit the whole idea and gone back to bed for a week. This was, good. 

"Hey." Gilfoyle came to a stop in front of Richard, resting his arms on the barrier between them. His cheeks were a bit red, from the cold and exertion, sleeves rolled up despite the warnings on the side not to. His arms bracketed Richards, keeping him close and in his space, so he wouldn't have to shout. 

He was very close.

"You want to head out?" He asked, Richard taking a sip from his hot cocoa. He didn't say anything with Richard offered the cup, just took it and had a mouthful, handing it back wordlessly. 

"I wanna watch you a bit more. Is that okay?" Richard asked, wiggling his toes on the tile on his side of the barrier - he'd had to take the skates off a little while ago. For all his developing skills and encouragement, his feet weren't used to the boots, and they were being cut to pieces with blisters. "Like, twenty minutes?"

"Sure." Gilfoyle nodded a bit. "I'll put a bit of spin on for you. Then hey, I know where we can go. Burgers?"

"Yeah. Sounds great."

~*~*~

"I don't," Richard put his hands on Gilfoyles chest at the door when he leaned in, his movements careful, slow enough to let Richard stop him. "I don't uh, like. Kissing. Very much. For a while, I mean, I'm really sorry." He finished lamely as Gilfoyle leaned back. He didn't look disappointed.

"Thats fine." 

"But I," Richard took Gilfoyles sleeve, held onto it tight for a moment. "I'm glad you want to. "

~*~*~

It was a little easier, after that. Not much easier - Gilfoyle had told him, in no uncertain tones, that they were all being careful with each others emotions and weren't about to tolerate any jealously being thrown in the ranks. It was something they were all working on, all working with, and it was reasonable. They just had to open their mouth and talk now and then. Or text. Or email.

Communicate, Jared supplied helpfully, and Dinesh finger-gunned at him in approval. 

Richard actually found that although he was curious about what the others were getting up to - Jared stumbling, weak-kneed and giddy with a grin and covered in fresh bitemarks, from Erlichs room, closely followed by the smirking man himself was a highlight he wouldn't forget soon - he found himself wondering purely out of interest. Watching Dinesh throw himself over the back of the couch to land on top of Gilfoyle in the middle of a video game was hilarious, and so less stressful then before - this time, the worst that would happen was Erlich would pretend to spray them with water to cool them off instead of a fistfight. 

He had to admit, he even - liked it. A little bit. When Erlich would wrap him up in a huge hug and sweep him up, laughing, out of someone elses lap declaring that it was his turn to 'borrow the Richard'. And then lording it over them, just sitting to watch TV with him, petting his hair until he felt drowsy and sleepy and dozed off against his shoulder. He woke up after that one time, eyes still mostly closed as he figured out-

Jared had tucked himself on the other side of Erlich and they were talking so quietly he couldn't make it out. Dinesh and Gilfoyle had commandeered one of the smaller couches and were asleep, Gilfoyles arms so tight and possessive around Dinesh it must have been uncomfortable. Jared left Erlich for a moment and gently put a blanket over the other two, kissed their heads and slunk back. There was the sensation of something warm covering him too, and Richard realized Jared had brought blankets out for all of them. The sofa dipped, there was the small sound of a kiss above him and the table lamp went off. 

Jareds hand found his under the blanket, just over Erlichs chest. 

It felt, Richard thought as he started to drift off again, like the most natural step for things to have taken.

~*~*~

"Hey," Dinesh leaned back from the kitchen, frowning. Gilfoyle and Jared paused by the front door, and the brief expression that passed between them could only be described as 'busted'. "We've been through this. Jared only has like, 8 spare hours a week. Quit hogging him."

"Do you want to come with us?" Jared offered, before Gilfoyle could open his mouth. Gilfoyle looked at him hard for a moment, then Dinesh - then he shrugged.

"Its Vietnamese food," He explained. Dinesh brightened at once. "I need to eat some mostly raw meat."

"Pho?" Erlich lifted his head from the kitchen table. "I'm in." 

"Oh," Jared seemed delighted by this. "Oh, wonderful! I had wondered when this-"

"Hmn?" Richard wandered out of his room, looking at the people gathering coats. "Where, are--?"

"We're going to get food." Erlich grabbed his waist and pressed one of his brief, biting kisses under Richards ear - Richard waved him off halfheartedly, and pressed against his side more insistently. "Group date, cmon, get shoes on."

"Or don't," Dinesh shrugged a little, snagging the wallet out of Gilfoyles pocket. "Erlich'll just carry you."

"Let me get shoes-!"

~*~*~

Dinesh and Gilfoyle could bicker over anything, and it was impressive. Good dinner show too, Richard thought to himself, as he accepted the bowl Jared passed him. It had been picked clean of cilantro, and he shot the other man a grateful little look before he tucked in. Erlich was pressed so close to him on the bench that Richard had tucked his leg over Erlichs thigh, half facing him but able to see the table still. Jared seemed on cloud nine as he handed out plates and cups, topped up tea and finally, gently tucked himself between Gilfoyle and Dinesh to make sure they actually ate tonight instead of just squabbled.

Richard felt warm, watching an almost silence settle over the table as people ate. Gilfoyle silently put the choicest morsels from his plate onto everyone elses, Dinesh discussed the merits of lamb over chicken with Jared.

"Oh." Richard said, suddenly and with enough surprise that it made everyone look to him in concern. "Oh, I want to kiss you."

That was new.

"Uh," Erlich gestured at all of them with his chopsticks, forcing his tone delicately light so as not to change Richards mind. For all the affection they poured on him they understood, and still respected his reluctance, when it came to kissing them on the lips and limited their attentions to his cheeks, his ears, jaw and neck. This, if answered incorrectly, could cause a bloodbath. "Who?"

"All of you."


	2. ABCs of Dating

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by daisiestdaisy, who informed me that;  
> "so I had to work this out: among the five of them there are 10 different pairings, 10 threesomes, 5 foursomes and 1 OT5. So those 26 permutations should keep things interesting anyway..."  
> 26 combinations, 26 letters of the Alphabet. Here goes.

**Al Fresco - Jared/Erlich/Richard/Dinesh**  
The sun was something that had tended to bother Erlich - being a man of a classically pale profile, he chose not to risk his health and would stay indoors at the first sign of the sun really getting its groove on.  
But there was something really, really tempting about three of his little harem - that was the correct word, shut up Richard - looking at him earnestly with a picnic basket. Erlich sighed heavily and put his tablet aside, standing with a stretch.  
"Alright, alright," He groused, no heat behind his words. "I'll get us some wine."  
And it was sort of worth it, he figured maybe three hours later. The food had been amazing, courtesy of Jared and Richards efforts in the kitchen. Dinesh had managed to put together a small and pleasant playlist to hum along quietly in the background. And the location, a pretty little bit of green tucked between and behind some of the smaller compounds? Gorgeous.  
Three lovely, squeezable guys using him as a pillow? Even better.

 **Bingo - Richard/Jared**  
"B18! Do I have B18?" The announcer at the front beamed around at the small hall infront of him. A few people were talking quietly between themselves, pressing pens onto numbers. A rattle, and the basket started spinning again. "Remember folks, call that Bingo loud and proud!"  
"Are you having fun?" Jared asked, Richard startling out of his little concentration haze to give him a bit of a smile.  
"I am, yeah!" He said, keeping the same low and quiet tone of voice so as not to disturb anyone. Jared grinned a little bit and gave a gentle squeeze of his arm.  
"F38! Do I-"  
"BINGO!" A woman called, waving her card in the air. The presenter grinned and motioned her up; Jared frowned.  
"Excuse me, Richard." Jared slipped up easily and moved over to the lady struggling out of her seat.  
"Isn't he lovely?" The old woman next to Richard cooed, making him jump a little. He nodded a bit. "Oh, he's just lovely. You must be so proud of him, dear."  
"Oh, uh," Richard glanced back to Jared, the little old lady hanging adoringly on his arm as he helped her up to the little stage, his usually long loping strides cut down to delicate, slow steps for her. "Yeah, yeah I uh. I really am, actually."  
"You hold tight to that one, lovie."

 **Cocktails - Jared/Erlich/Dinesh**  
"A hurricane." Dinesh eyed the drink put in front of him with a sensible amount of trepidation. Jared apparently had no such concerns about what alcohol Erlich was trying to ply them with, and had already taken a few good sucks on the straw.  
Which was an entirely too distracting visual while he was trying to be suspicious.  
"Trust me buddy," Erlich grinned and slung an arm around Dineshs shoulders, giving him a squeeze and a kiss to the side of his head. "Its all gonna be worth it."  
The next morning might not be, Dinesh thought as he took a wary sip of the drink, Erlichs hand finding his thigh to pet gently. But the night might be.

 **Deckchair - Richard/Gilfoyle**  
"You can - I mean, not to pressure you or anything, but you know you can take that off to swim, right?" Gilfoyle pointed at Richards T-shirt, soaked through and stuck to his skin in a way that looked charming - uncomfortable, but charming, in a weird way. Richard flushed a little and looked down, plucking at it.  
"I just don't wanna get burned." He explained, and Gilfoyle nodded to that. "Besides, you still have your glasses on."  
"I'm not in the pool yet."  
"Oh. Yeah, why aren't-" Richard trailed off at Gilfoyles smirk and sighed, hefting himself out of the pool. "You weren't going to get in the pool."  
"Nope."  
"Then why'd-" Richard was cut off with a yelp as he was snagged and hauled into Gilfoyles lap, the deckchair creaking a little under their weight. He flailed a little but fell still after a moment or two, enjoying the heat in contrast to his water-chilled skin. "Oh. I'm an ice cube."  
"Yup."

 **Evil Dead - Erlich/Dinesh/Gilfoyle**  
"Its a fucking classic is what it is." Erlich grumbled, scooting lower in the couch - Dinesh shrugged a little and, with some pushing from Gilfoyle, shifted over to make room, half in Erlichs lap. "Censoring it to be on TV is a goddamned tragedy and people should be fucking ashamed of themselves."  
"Welcome to America, where we cut up your classics for fun." Gilfoyle tugged Dinesh until everyone was comfortable, Gilfoyle half-spread over them like a particularly possessive cat. "Someone hit play, my hands are full of popcorn. And I don't want to move."  
"The remote is under your ass."  
"Well then you better go get it then."  
  
**Forest - Erlich/Richard/Jared/Gilfoyle**  
"When we die out here," Gilfoyle didn't move from being on the floor, staring up at the clouds that moved through the sky. "Can we all pose ourselves so it looks like we died ass-fucking?"  
"Dying how we lived?" Erlich snorted a little, sitting next to him. He watched Jared and Richard walk around again, phones held up to the sky in desperation. "We're probably not going to die."   
"I know we're not going to die." A pause. "None of them have asked if we just remember the path back, have they?"  
"Nope."   
"Cool."

 **Gay Bar - Richard/Dinesh**  
"This was a bad idea."  
"This was such a bad idea."  
"This was a terrible idea."  
"Please can we stop talking about how bad an idea it was and just leave."  
"I don't know how."  
"Right," Dinesh took Richards hand with a sort of grim finality. "Look frightened. Okay!" He raised his voice, and Richard found it very, very easy to look worried and frightened. "My boyfriend needs some air, wheres the exit!"  
Within moments, they found themselves herded (with some comments about how sweet and caring Dinesh was, which made Richard have to hide a snort or two in his huddle) to the exit and out. It seemed quieter instantly, and Richard took a deep breath or two.  
"Never again?"  
"Never again AND we never tell Gilfoyle. Or Erlich."  
  
**Hackathon - Richard/Dinesh/Gilfoyle**  
"Stop it," Richard scowled as his cursor was taken over, again, and lifted his head to try and scowl and whichever one was doing it. "I'm working, stop it."   
"You are?" Gilfoyle asked, the arrow moving over - it was opening something, and Richard sighed heavily when a familiar song and music started to play. On screen, a cock merrily helicoptered its life away, a number on the side ticking upwards. "Thats work? That doesn't sound like work."  
"Guys, please."  
"Do you want to be spun round,"  
"Right round?"  
"Like a record baby?" Dinesh barely managed to get through the question before he was laughing. "Richard! Richard, come back-!"  
  
**Intimidate - Erlich/Gilfoyle**  
They'd never considered having to go anywhere else. They had their local bar, and they liked it for a reason, so they hung out there. Same as it always was.  
Erlich was a huge man - bigger then he looked when he was sitting down, at least. And Gilfoyle balanced out his smaller stature with glaring and words, but that didn't help too much when he didn't have the chance to get a word in.  
"So," The first of the five guys - make a burger joke, he mentally reminded himself - put his hand on Gilfoyles table, just close enough to his beer. "Thats your boyfriend now, is it?"  
"Yup."   
" _Him_." Gilfoyle frowned a little bit, picked up his beer without touching the other mans hand and took a sip.  
"Wait, I'm confused. Did you come all the way over here to be angry that we're two guys fucking, or mad about my standards?"  
"Whats wrong with your standards?" Erlich mostly-carefully pushed his way through the little group and stood by Gilfoyles chair. From this distance, they seemed a little less inclined to move much closer.  
"Nothing. These guys just don't seem sure what they want to beat us up for, the ass-sex or whos getting it."  
Maybe it was mean. Maybe it was waving a red flag to a bull. But it was always very, very satisfying to watch Erlich over-react by smashing a chair over someones head.  
  
**Jetty - Richard/Jared/Gilfoyle**  
Gilfoyle had made a terrible, wretched, awful mistake. There was only so much self-control he had, even with his years of practice and work. He was a gentleman though, no matter what else, and he simply tightened his fists on his knees and concentrated on watching the water. The sun was warm, the breeze was cool, and next to him, Richard and Jared absently traded bites on an ice cream cone.  
"Let me know when you guys want to go." He said, risking a glance then training his gaze back on the ocean.  
' _Why isn't he watching us :(_ ' Jared texted.  
' _He is_ ', Richard replied. ' _Wait till we get to the car_ '  
  
**Karaoke - Richard/Erlich/Dinesh/Gilfoyle**  
"ItS NOT UNUSUAL TO BE LOVED BY ANYONE," Erlich yelled, despite the microphone he was holding. Next to him, Gilfoyle shimmied for a second. "ITS NOT UNUSUAL TO BE -- HUNG UP, ON ANYONE?"  
"What am I watching." Richard asked, gripping his beer bottle with both hands in hopes it would anchor him to this reality, where -- whatever this was, was happening. Dinesh seemed less impressed, or freaked out, and just shrugged a little bit.  
"They smoked while you were in the bathroom." He explained, because that was the only explanation that made any sort of sense to Richard, who nodded at once. "Then Gilfoyle saw the machine, Erlich picked Gilfoyle up, there was a drag queen-"  
"And now," Richard finished for him. "Gilfoyle is in a wig, and Erlich has a cowboy hat covered in sequins. This makes plenty of sense."  
"Should we take a picture to show Jared?"  
"Video. He needs to hear them."  
  
**Library - Richard/Erlich**  
Erlich liked reading. You might not think it to look at him, or talk to him, or hear other people talk to him. But most people didn't tend to be as smart as Erlich without setting foot in a library at least once. And Richard, Richard tended to like anywhere that let him be quiet, where other people had to be quiet, and where he could get some work done without worrying about anything.   
If he got to use Erlich as some kind of man-throne while he did it, that was even better. Erlich was silent and comfortable, a book about - something, spread on his half of his lap. Richard took up the other half and even though he knew there were rules about working on dates (something put in place to get Jared to put the phone down) but Erlich only laughed and patted him and made sure he was comfortable.   
The date could happen once he'd sorted this out, and anyway. Erlich had plenty of books to read.  
  
**Macchiato - Richard/Jared/Dinesh**  
"A macchiato is exactly the same as a latte, it just costs less." Dinesh took the lid off his, and gestured for Jared to hand his cup over. No dice, apparently, as Jared just frowned and tightened his grip on it, taking a defensive sip of it.   
"It has a different ratio of coffee and milk, and its steamed differently."  
"But its basically the same thing, just try-"  
"If something is done differently then its different though, surely."  
"Guys?" Richard tried to pipe up between them, but he lacked Jareds height to physically cut off their conversation. Sighing, he took out his phone and started another Sudoku. This could be a while.

 **Notebooks - Jared/Gilfoyle**  
"But - not to sound cliched or anything," Gilfoyle watched Jared pick up two more of the admittedly gorgeously bound books. It was flipped open, Jareds fingers trailing over the paper as if to test them for some sort of quality, following the lines. Distractions. He tried again. "There is literally an app for that."  
"Isn't one of the whole tenants of Satanism to enjoy your life as long as it doesn't hurt anyone?" Jared blinked at him, shutting the notebook and holding both in one hand - and yes, maybe it warmed the cynical cockles of Gilfoyles heart that Jared seemed to have been doing some research. "Its not - hurting anyone. I just enjoy having a hard copy of my information and notes."  
"Why?"  
"Because I live romantically in a house with four men who are massive tech targets." Jared shrugged. "No competitor or dirt-digger can hack a notebook."

 **Organics - Richard/Jared/Erlich**  
"Isn't all honey organic?" Richard asked, squinting at a jar in his hands. The Farmers Market had caused him a little bit of a worry, but now that he'd realized it was just full of people intent on getting their hands on the nicest tomatoes, it was pretty fun. To one side of him, Jared tutted and shook his head, almost sadly; on the other, Erlich grumbled and plucked the jar from his grip, turning it to examine the label himself.  
"It means what the bees made the honey out of." He explained. "Which doesn't matter in this case, because this honey is set solid, see?"  
"Doesn't it melt?"  
"Doesn't matter. That'll ruin the flavor profile." Jared smiled a little and passed a smaller jar to them both, the liquid inside a deep, almost brown gold, turning brilliantly jewel-like when the sun hit it. "However, I should think this will work wonderfully."  
"Great. See, Richard," Erlich handed the money over and started to put the honey in the bag. "Only the best to eat off your nipples."  
"Guys-!"

 **Paintball - Jared/Erlich/Dinesh/Gilfoyle**  
"Alright!" Jared popped the goggles down over his eyes, giving his teammate a bright smile. Dinesh seemed less enthused, but managed a small grin in return - this was going to be a blood bath and he knew it, but if Jared was having fun, then he wasn't going to be the one to piss on his parade. "So, us versus you two, losing pair buys dinner, yes?"  
"Sure." Gilfoyle cut an intimidating figure in what looked like tactical blacks, his paintball gun the same matte-black and oddly-shaped with what looked like add-ons. Next to him, a wildly-grinning Erlich seemed to be carrying half his weight in ammo and extra gun, and what looked like home made paint grenades.  
Dinesh realized, faintly, that they were going to die today.

 **Quiz - Jared/Dinesh**  
He was drunk off success and moderately priced beer, and Jareds hand in his under the table giving a pleased squeeze whenever they got another question marked right. The scowls they were getting from the other bar-quiz teams helped a lot too, made him sit up straighter and smugger and yes, he was sure that Jared wouldn't think that was very sporting. That wasn't the point. They were winning and it was amazing.  
"You're amazing," He mumbled into Jareds mouth, pressing him up tight against the front door and kissing on him, harder and harder on each little nip and kiss. "That was amazing."  
"We got lucky," Jared mumbled back, hands following the line of Dineshs spine and slipping into the back of his jeans, giving a little squeeze to have the other man rock his hips against him with a low noise. "Victory drinks- your room?"  
  
**Radio - Richard/Erlich/Gilfoyle**  
"Thats right Baby," Erlich crooned into Gilfoyles ear, enjoying the squirm back into his body the other man gave in response, shivering. He trailed his hand down Gilfoyles arm, following it to Richards head, bobbing eagerly between his legs and giving soft, muffled noises around him. "He's real fucking good, huh?"  
"Fuckin-" Gilfoyle groaned when Erlich rocked his hips up into him slowly, taking advantage of the open mouth to get a sound out of him. "Fuck-"  
"He already is," Richard peeked up at Gilfoyle with a small, shy grin, hand taking over and pumping him slowly. The car was way, way too small for this, Richards back pressed uncomfortably against the back of the front seat, Erlich having to slouch down and one of Gilfoyles hands braced desperately against the roof of the car - but they made it work, the tinny sound of the radio slowly being drowned out.

 **Stargazing - Dinesh/Gilfoyle**  
"This is literally the gayest thing we have ever done."  
"I mean, you just had my dick in your mouth, so I don't think thats true at all." Dinesh pulled Gilfoyles hair a little with a scowl.  
"Go back to silently enjoying the afterglow and the stars."  
"Make me."

 **Theatre - Jared/Erlich/Gilfoyle**  
"TV is just theatre beamed directly to your home." Gilfoyle pointed out, waving the little wooden stick from his ice cream to emphasize his point. "There's no difference."  
"Oh, I," Jared frowned a little, turning a bit to rest his back against Erlich, who was looking at Gilfoyle with the same scandalized expression. "I don't think thats true at all."  
"Ignore him, gorgeous." Erlichs hand moved down and spread over Jareds chest. "He's not even a philistine. He's Canadian, he can't be helped."  
"Are you trying to say Canada has no culture?"  
"You're not exactly proving me wrong here, buddy."  
A brief second of a pause.  
"I'm not your buddy, pal."  
"I'm not your pal, friend." Erlich snickered a little, missing Jareds lost little look.  
"I'm not your friend, guy."  
"I'm not your guy, buddy."  
"Oh," Jared made a sad little noise. "No, no. We're very much each others guys."  
"No, its - we'll show you later."

 **Umbrella - Erlich/Dinesh**  
"I said I was sorry." Erlich slumped a little - overhead, the rain thundered onto the huge beach umbrella. Next to him, Dineshs glare hadn't eased up even a little. Like that was fair at all, what was he supposed to be, a weather magician? "Look, I can make it up to you-"  
"Erlich, get your hand off my dick." A pause. "Its too fucking cold for that here but you will be making it up to me at home."

 **Van - Jared/Dinesh/Gilfoyle**  
"He's not-" Jared gasped a little, someone sucking a hot little mark hard into the flesh of his thigh. "He's not going to mind we borrowed the van-?"  
"Who cares," Dinesh murmured from behind him and oh, that must mean Gilfoyle was the one biting a hard line over his hipbone. "He'll relax when we give him a blow-by-blow,"  
"Oh-!"  
"Literally, apparently - description of what we used it for."

 **Waterway - Jared/Erlich**  
"Whats your favorite duck?" Erlich asked after a few moments, fingers carding almost-roughly through Jareds hair, the other mans head on his chest. Jared hummed a little bit against him, shifting bare skin against his with a pleasant little squirm that rocked the tiny boat they were in. Erlich bit his lip a little bit and willed himself not to just grab at him again - the last thing they needed was to start up again, drifting down the little river.  
"Oh, I don't know... I rather like all of them to be honest with you." Jared shifted a bit, propping his chin on Erlich to smile up at him sleepily. All those stupid long limbs looked great in the sun, Erlich thought happily, Jareds toes trailing in the water behind them.  
"Bit of a trend with you."  
"Mm."  
"Jared?" Erlich waited until he had Jareds attention, fingers playing on his chest gently. "I have no idea how we're getting back to shore."  
"Our clothes are there."  
"I know."

 **X-box - Richard/Erlich/Dinesh**  
"Suck my dick, motherfucker!" Dinesh yelled gleefully, pressing the buttons on his controller with a little more force then necessary. Behind him, Erlich cursed as the respawn counter started ticking down for him. "Sorry Erlich, I know we usually have lube on hand, but you just got ass-fucked into next week."  
"How is that even an insult anymore?" Richard muttered, frowning as he tried to follow the AI he was paired with, scooting along the hallways with what he hoped was the gun out. "I mean, you get fucked in the ass on a regular basis. I do. Jared does. Does Gilfoyle-?"  
"Yes." Erlich confirmed, doing something complicated on his screen. "Face it ladies, in-game is the only way any of you are going to ass-fuck me. So I'm happy to just bite the virtual pillow and let it happen."

 **Yard Sale - Jared/Richard/Dinesh/Gilfoyle**  
"No, no it has to be worse then that." Dinesh handed back the disgusting green, taupe and beige lamp Gilfoyle had unearthed from a box by the car. "It has to be something that would send a grandmother into her first fits of ecstasy since the first world war."  
"Why are we getting Erlich an ugly gift?" Richard asked as Jared took the lamp from Gilfoyle and started examining it with an earnestness that honestly worried him a little bit.  
"To see how much he's willing to put up with from us." Gilfoyle explained as Dinesh ducked round the side of the next van, almost burying himself in a box to root around. "Its both a show of confidence and insecurity that he's going to see straight through."  
"Dinesh's idea?"  
"Well, that and I like looking for rare comics here."  
"Oh," Dinesh straightened up, holding a small canvas - they crowded round to look at it.  
There was silence.  
"Thats," Gilfoyle started slowly. "A very lovingly painted abstract picture of a cats anus."  
"Its perfect."

 **Zoo - Jared/Richard/Dinesh/Gilfoyle/Erlich**  
"Hey Erlich. Thats you." Dinesh pointed to a bear laying on its side, one leg up to give them the finest view of the nuts he was currently scratching.  
"Look, its you, Jared" Richard found a flamenco, holding out a hand full of little seed things the keeper had told him would keep it happy.  
"I found Gilfoyle," Erlich pressed his face against the glass of the little bat house with a laugh, watching one zip back and forth erratically.  
"Aw, look. Its Dinesh," Jared looked quietly ecstatic, petting the furiously peeping baby penguin one of the handlers was holding.  
"Hey," Gilfoyle didn't tap the glass, just put his fingertip on the little case of rats, all sleeping in a pile. "S'Richard, under the others."

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [this prompt](http://siliconvalleykink.dreamwidth.org/1066.html?thread=21290#cmt21290) over at the [Kink Meme](http://siliconvalleykink.dreamwidth.org). If you liked it, why not go fill some too, spread the love around!
> 
> The poem Gilfoyle is reading is [this one](https://lgyslaine.wordpress.com/2016/03/26/jecris-toujours-i-always-write/) and doesn't belong to me.


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